It is a simple question. You are one or the other but you can not be both when it comes to love.
Do you Deprive or are you deprived?
February 22nd, 2016. A day that I won’t forget for a very long time, if ever. That was the day that my engagement was broken off. I was so sure I had found the one that even when I began being mistreated I couldn’t walk away. No he wasn’t physically abusive, but he was not treating me how a man should treat a woman that he loves.
Our relationship began just as any other, and if you ask me, we were perfect for each other. We couldn’t have been happier for that first year. Met in church, friends since grade school, crushed on each other as teenagers and then BAM we were dating then engaged. We traveled together, spent hours on the phone and FaceTime since we were doing the distance thing. Everything seemed fine.
As you can see now, we did not get our happy ending. No one is perfect and I made my fair share of mistakes but at the end I was not being treated with the respect I deserved. Some would say he was depriving me of the love that I deserved from someone who was about to pledge their life to me. They were right.
After completely cutting ties with said fiancé, I was so sure that I would never-ever find anyone who would love me like he did. I would never be as happy as I was with him and I would never be enough to make anyone happy again. All of the thoughts I had were demeaning but I was set on depriving myself of any kind of love that would try and plant itself in my heart. I became bitter, untrusting, irritable and numb. I wanted nothing to do with relationships and vowed I would never open myself up to anyone again.
For the next 4 months I continued to persuade myself that I deserved to be deprived of love. I would never find happiness like I had, and I shouldn’t even try. I fell into a dark place. I had so much support from family and friends but I still felt numb and I did nothing to change it.
Then one day in June I received a text message that, in short, complimented and uplifted me for simply being me. Despite how torn down I felt on the inside I didn’t let it show on the outside. I still encouraged people as usual and kept a smile on my face. (In between the tears) For some reason this encouragement was all it took to show me that no matter what I have been through there is no reason to deprive myself of being able to feel or internal happiness. All because of a faulty thought that I will never be good enough or find someone who is good enough.
I spent so much time worried I would never find someone like my ex, I didn’t realize that I don’t want someone like him. I spent far too much time sulking over how I will never be that happy again I didn’t realize I was the only person depriving myself of the ability to be happy. Most of all I was the one depriving my self esteem of encouragement by telling myself I would never be good enough. I went from letting someone else deprive me of something I deserve, to depriving myself.
Either way it is wrong to let either of these things happen. So I ask, do you deprive or are you letting yourself be deprived.